The Ottawa Sun

   Personal profiles on social networking sites boast an army of digital 'friends.' But can these digital penpals really be considered friends?
    Are these feeds and streams enough to feed an offline friendship and satiate the need for connection?
    "There's not much of a future for a virtual relationship unless it finds its way into the offline world," says Dr. Rick Kirschner, author of How To Click With People: The Secret To Better Relationships In Business And In Life. "If all you want is some conversation, or a little titillation, or some hard-to- reach information, online connections can serve us well. But if you want to grow a relationship into something valuable and enriching, you have to do something more than type and talk."
    Stats indicate the average user on Facebook has 120 confirmed friends and clicking online can mean you click well offline too.
    Jaden, 34, developed a lasting friendship with a man she met online. "From the very first moment, I knew we'd be great friends..."
    Four years later they still are connected in the real world as well as online. "Marvin and I are both fun, motivated people. We value family, we value our friendships and we like to do fun and interesting things. We both like to be silly, do funny voices and make funny faces. Both of us really cherish staying physically active. Both of us like hiking and camping ..." says the actor and teacher.
    "By being open to meeting someone online I was able to make a connection with someone I might not have met otherwise and find a lot of neat things to relate to in this person," adds Jaden.
    According to Kirschner, "social networks make the invisible visible. Your entire network of connections is visible to your entire network of connections, speeding up our ability to find needed resources and make positive change."
    The downside of it all is that as people connect online, they may become more disconnected offline, hidden behind their profile--antisocial networking of sorts.
    "Without direct contact, it's very difficult to take the measure of a person, to develop confidence and trust that what you're hearing and seeing is worth believing," says Kirschner.
    Kirschner says a connection evolves as some degree of honesty, empathy, reciprocity and trust develop. Ongoing sharing and reciprocity helps turn a contact into a connection into a relationship.
    Close connections are crucial to mental and physical health. "You are born alone, and you die alone, but in between, it is the connection we share with friends that determines our fulfilment and happiness," says Kirschner. "And the good news is that all around you, there are connections waiting to be made, friends wanting to be found, relationships wanting to be discovered."
    Being able to click is key to personal and business success, adds Kirschner, whose new book offers techniques on how to connect more deeply with people, dispelling the myth that you either click with someone or you don't.
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    EXPERT ADVICE ON HOW TO KEEP YOUR FRIENDSHIPS STRONG
    ENCOURAGE: Bring out the very best in people by encouraging them. A note of encouragement, placed where it can't be missed, might be enough to change the trajectory of a day, a week, a life. "The difference it makes in a person's life to have someone cheering them on is astonishing."
    HELP: We get by with a little help from our friends. When you can see the need for help and provide it, the message is, 'I care about you.' Do a favour. Make a sacrifice. Volunteer. Find a need and fill it. Most people are too shy to ask for help, and most people who ask are too stubborn to receive it. Nevertheless, stand ready to provide it. You can also give help by asking someone for help.
    GIFTS: It's a sure signal of appreciation and affection. And remember, learn what people like and surprise them with it. Sometimes, the greatest gifts we give come from receiving each other's gifts. Give a laugh at a lousy joke. Give flowers.
    QUALITY NOT QUANTITY: How much time does it take to be a good friend? Moments. What turns regular time into quality time? Undivided attention. Usually, to tune in to another person, you have to turn off all the distractions, turn away from everything else, and turn on that part of you that is curious, interested and eager to connect.
    TOUCH: One of the most powerful ways to end that feeling of isolation is through touch. Something as simple as a touch on the hand, a pat on the back, a hug, a neck or shoulder massage.
    -Courtesy Dr. Rick Kirschner, theartofchange.co m

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